Friday, February 6, 2009

Slumdog Pukeville

Wow, is Slumdog Millionaire a bad movie or what? It’s amazing how a phony movie like this can really ruin your day.

After we were done watching the flick, The Missus said, “It’s like Pukeville! Crapola!”

But I just looked at Rotten Tomatoes and Slumdog Millionaire gets 94% positive. What the!?! On man, we have so little in common with these people, it really blows my mind…

Sure Slumdog Millionaire has a fascinating story, but it’s so poorly executed: with the subtlety of a falling cinder block.
Lemme tell ya: if I had to sit in a theater to watch this, I would’ve gouged out my own eyes.
Slumdog Millionaire is an exercise in cynical manipulation that didn’t even bother to try to hard: I did not care at all—not one whit, not an iota—about these people. In fact, the lead character comes off as an obsessive-compulsive borderline psychotic, a Bombay Travis Bickle. I never sympathized in any way with this jerk.

And it’s hard to believe that such a jittery, hyperactive movie was also so damn boring.

If you can’t figure out everything about this movie within, let’s say to be nice, the first 45 minutes, then you’re much stupider than I’ve been giving you credit for.

Some movies are schizophrenic, but Slumdog Millionaire is dyslexic.

Thankfully the underground economy came through with this one (a friend of a friend of a friend again). I’m glad I’ve denied money to enter Danny Boyle & Co.’s pockets. But it’s not like they were going to do something noble with that money, like feed the starving children of India, were they?

(If you really want to taste an excellent example of India’s “magical realism,” check out Vikram Chandra’s fabulous and sumptuous novel Red Earth and Pouring Rain. It’s a dense book, one that will make you work, but absolutely worth it.)

Neither Hachiko (a noble and selfless dog) nor Tzar Ivan approve of Slumdog Millionaire.
Smithers, collect all the prints of this film and its negative--and
burn them!

UPDATE: Okay, my comments box seems to have disappeared for this post. Hmmm....What happened? Back to the engineering department!

UPDATE UPDATE: WTF?!?! I run a test, and a new post shows a "comments" box. Am I being sabotaged by some irate Slumdog fan--or just incompetent?